Months and Months

I have not been posting here at all. There has not been much to say. I am still flying, back and forth from Richmond Hill, Georgia to Birmingham, Alabama, but it is nothing worth writing home about.

However, today I have something I wish to publish. I have been receiving more and more emails from lawyers, doctors, stockbrokers, and insurance agents with long disclaimers in fine print in a “footer” stating that the information might be confidential, that you shouldn’t have even read it if it wasn’t meant to be sent to you, and other such nonsense. This weekend, I wrote (with some heavy borrowing from other parodies) my own footer which I might start adding to my emails. It reads as follows:

This communication (together with all attachments) was written by a lawyer. Well, not exactly by a currently licensed lawyer, but at least by a person who once was a lawyer. It may contain privileged or confidential information, especially if you or the intended recipient are my lawyer, accountant, spouse, or shrink, and I reserve and assert all rights that may apply to it. If you are not the intended recipient, it probably means that I screwed up the address or you are reading someone else’s email, but you should be able to tell from the context. If you believe that you have received this communication in error, you have most likely already read it before getting to this warning, but printing, copying, retransmitting, disseminating or otherwise using the information represents a digital-age faux pas, especially if I have written something embarrassing. Also, please let me know that you have received this communication in error so that I can try again. I do not represent you as your attorney because I’m no longer licensed and not getting paid, but I am happy to advise you how to live your life. You get what you pay for and no duties are intended or created by this communication. Most legal rights have time limits, and your time is probably up already, but this e-mail does not constitute advice on the application of limitation periods unless otherwise so expressly stated. I cannot accept orders to buy or sell securities for your account by email, or by any other means, nor can I accept changes to your insurance coverage. This email does not purport to make any sense, and certainly not to those with no sense of humor, low self-esteem, or irrational religious beliefs. Please check the time of day this email was sent to divine if it could have been penned under the influence of alcohol or sleeping medications. No animals were harmed in the production of this email, but the Terrier next door is living on borrowed time. IRS CIRCULAR 230 DISCLOSURE: I have no idea what a Circular is or what Circular 230 says, but whatever I am required to tell you, consider it disclosed. Good luck to you avoiding penalties imposed under the Internal Revenue Code. AUTOCORRECT DISCLOSURE: In addition to the fact that hackers could have intercepted and changed this electronic transmission, typos are inevitable when I type, and the damned autocorrect function of my phone or computer may have changed this message, creating unintended and sometimes hilarious constipation. Just enjoy the results at my expense if they are funny. If anything in this email offends you or causes a negative rectum, some of the words may have been changed, and I expressly disclaim any responsibility for writing any or all such material. I suggest you take it up with Microsoft or Apple. FORGOTTEN ATTACHMENT DISCLOSURE: These days, I often refer to attachments in my emails and forget to attach them or even to create them. Please be kind in your reminders and I will try again if the attachment exists and was not included, if you really are the intended recipient. DISCLAIMER DISCLOSURE: Someone wrote this disclaimer, and if it contains anything that is false, misleading, offensive, illegal, or incorrect, I assume no responsibility and disclaim any such parts of the disclaimer.